Another Cool Nacho Bitches Review By Comedy Groupie!

Amy Hawthorne, aka the illustrious Comedy Groupie, wrote another really kewl review of our monthly Nacho Bitches show. We had such a great time and we’re lucky enough to have Pete Davidson drop in (in addition to an already stacked lineup with Michael Che and Ari Shaffir). Come on out if you can, last Friday of every month at New York Comedy Club. Please feel free to read the full post on her site here.

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I Was In A COOL RAP VIDEO

My friend, Molly Austin, is a rap mogul and I’m in her new video, “Ladies”. It’s a parody of the much discussed New York City cat-calling video. Check it out below!!!!

 

Do Blondes Have More Fun? By UCB1

I was lucky enough to be in this fun video with the UCB1 team! Sue Smith rules. Check it out below!!!

Super Cool Pics From Nacho Bitches 9/26/2014

Dee Guerreros came to our show a few weeks ago at NYCC and was nice enough to take a bunch of pics. It was a wild, rowdy, sold-out night as we had Michael Che, Nick Turner, and Krystyna Hutchinson on the bill. Such a great night!

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Corinne and I horsin’ around

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Che and Nick

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Corinne/Alexis/Blair Dogpile

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Such a fun night!

VRY FUN REVIEW OF NACHO BITCHES FROM COMEDY GROUPIE

If you guys don’t know, Amy Hawthorne aka The Comedy Groupie, is such a great gal and friend to the comedy community. I am so glad to know her and her review of our show last Friday made me so happy! You can view the whole thing here on her website.

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Cool Photos, Not Lame

I am so excited because my very talented friend, Dee Guerreros, recently featured me in her radical new project, My City. Here are some pieces of it but please be sure to go check out the whole thing on Dee’s website!!!!! Dee is an incredible photographer and such a great part of the New York Comedy scene. Everyone notice her now!

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Clair on Unsolicited Internet Advice

Okay, so as you guys may or may not know, Clair has had strep throat all week which has made her all the more insufferable. I asked her how she got it and she responded with her usual crazy ass, arcane prattling – something like, “I did a buncha real bad shit this weekend and I guess the goddesses didn’t cosign on this bitch cuz I woke up and it was like I’d swallowed a duffel bag of Mexican switchblades.” As always, I genuinely had no idea wtf she was getting at – but with Clair, sometimes I know better than to press on about questions I don’t want answers to.

So, then she tells me about a random Facebook message she got and launched into this whole thing about how she “can’t understand how these megalomaniacal, chatty-ass mongoloid civilians who don’t have the nuts to make anything themselves SRSLY never fail to flap their malignant traps at artists everywhere” (as you might recall, Clair is a standup comic). I mean, obviously Clair is maj insane, but when she very earnestly and self-referentially used the word “artists”, I laughed and heaved with my whole chest and torso, I didn’t give a shit if it made her mad. Cuz ew, it’s so assholey when people refer to themselves as artists with complete and unsmiling solemnity, right. That’s like calling your self hot or very smart. I mean I know standup is art or whatever but really how many dick jokes can come out of a white, monosyllabically named woman? And then Clair texted me this screen shot with the accompanied rant:

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Clair: “A random civilian banker whom I don’t even know just sent me that.”

Me (Blair): “HAHA, YOU DO ‘SKITS’ LOSER!!!!!!!!!!!”

Clair: “Ya, see the guy calls standup ‘skits”. WTF is he trynna give me “tips”. It’s like go back to your cubicle and cap rates and bottle service, bro. You’ve never even done standup, where the shit are you getting this undeserved confidence from?”

Clair: “Don’t you find it very peculiar, Blair? How people can simply acquire that Jersey Shore Cast Member type of confidence and just message someone they don’t even know with ‘notes’?

Me: “Maybe he’s just trying to dispense some MUCH NEEDED erudite feedback.”

Clair: “STFU, BLAIR. You’re sucha H8tER!”

Me: “Just sayin’, shitbrick, maybe you wouldn’t have to eat dollar pizza every day if you weren’t such a shrew to every guy in a dif tax bracket than you.”

Clair: “Bitch, I like dollar pizza!!!! Also, I’m supa nice to dudes.”

Me: “Ya sure…and why aren’t you telling this guy to shut up like you so casually do to everyone else???? You love cyberbullying people, it’s like your favorite thing! So really I think you have no right to get mad at such a politely offered ‘suggestion’.”

Clair: “Wrong! I only cyberbully my friends!!! I would never choose to acknowledge someone I hate or message someone I don’t know, that would be insane!! koo koo kachoo!”

Clair: “…If I may switch gears and be vulnerable for a second with you, Blair…”

Me: “Oh Christ, here we go.”

Clair: “Well, I just put so much of myself into this you know…I draw my material from the depths of my solar plexus, I extract it…”

Me: “Clair, you talk about dicks 70% of the time.”

Clair: “TOO SCARED TO RESPOND TO HIM, DEEPLY AFRAID HE WILL SAY SOMETHING TOO REAL AND MY ENTIRE EMPIRE WILL INSTANTANEOUSLY TOPPLE IN ONE FATAL TSUNAMI OF TEARS AND SADNESS.”

Me: “UR A PU$$Y! GTG wash my hair, k BYEEEEEEEEEE.”

Clair on Prince, also a Weird Face Tattoo Encounter

Okay, first off, Clair texted me three times to make sure that I wish Prince a happy birthday on this blog today. He is her favorite artist and as she constantly reminds everyone, his music “makes her clothes fall off EVERY TIME!”. So, on behalf of Clair, happy birthday, Prince! You look gayer than ever and we’ve never loved you more.

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Next I will tell you about the latest looney tunes shit that Clair pulled.

We were at brunch yesterday and she’s going on about how essential truffle oil is to a “not sucky brunch” and why she’s trying to give up hollandaise sauce to decrease the size of her ass but feels “it’s risky business” because she’s sure every guy thinks it’s “rip roaringly sexy when girls eat hollandaise, like get-a-rap-song-written-about-you-sexy”. And I’m just sitting there downing mimosas in order to numb the pain of Clair’s ceaseless food talk when in walks this guy.

He’s about 5’10 and he’s a portly dude. But the muscle-y type of heavy like a motorcycle rider instead of a cake enthusiast, ya know. His head is completely shaved head down to the scalp, totally bald, and he’s wearing a plain black baseball hat. Tattoos everywhere, my eyes are immediately drawn to the black ink tear drops underneath his scary eyes. A MURDERER WAS IN OUR PRESENCE. I was befuddled by the fact that this particular murderer also enjoys a nice Sunday brunch and was wondering about the logistics and humanity of it all until I suddenly became acutely aware of Clair and how this situation was probably about to go terribly wrong.

Clair was staring as if she’d seen an Ewok, or Snookie, the now perpetually pregnant formerly wild reality TV star. Her eyes were locked in on him like she was the lioness and he was an entire pack of gazelles. My heart started beating faster, waiting for the moment in which he would catch her laser eyes burning a hole in his meaty body. Then, he turned around and before I could look at Clair looking at him, I saw it. The man had a face tattoo that took up the entire left side of his face. From above his eye all the way down to his jaw – in haunting gangster lettering – it read “VEGAN”.

At this point, I didn’t know what to believe. The man was against animal cruelty but was cool whacking humans (maybe because he didn’t eat them?)? Or maybe the tear drops were for arugula plants that he had personally slaughtered and eaten from his yard? What an overwhelmingly wide spectrum of possible horrors! Regardless, I was deeply afraid of what Clair would do next as we all know there’s nothing that Clair hates more than vegans. She heartily practices a sort of blind, maniacal vegan racism and regularly verbally crusades against them in a barrage of hate speech while she blows through a rack of baby back ribs. WHAT WAS ABOUT TO HAPPEN!? I WAS SO AFRAID YOU GUYS. I wanted to take a picture for proof of this walking lunacy but I was worried he might shank me with some sort of organic bamboo knife and I wasn’t sure my life was worth the minor victory of a digi snap.

So, like clockwork, Clair gets up to confront him, “No, Blair, this is bullshit, I have to say something,” and she dramatically pushes her chair out into the aisle, making a scene and instantly capturing the attention of all onlookers. And I’m like, “Clair, what the fuck, have some impulse control. SIT DOWN! There are old people in here trying to have brunch! You’re going to get everyone killed!”

And just as she’s marching up behind him, the cashier hands him a huge plate with a cheeseburger on it with his little number stand thing. He turns around to walk back to his table, but his path is blocked by psycho Clair.  Standing in his way like a heroic traffic cop who takes her job too seriously, Clair proceeds to ask him in this deranged and sinister tone, “EXCUSE ME, BUT IS THAT YOUR CHEESEBURGER?!”

And then he just goes, “Yes,” and walks by her all annoyed and gently bumps her shoulder. And oh man, you guys, the relief I felt. It was like the entire restaurant collectively sighed with relief as if a bomb had just been miraculously deactivated seconds before detonation. Clair’s the worst.

But, dear readers, if I take any solace away from this near disaster, it’s that people can change and life is complicated. Murderers can like brunch. People who make permanent, visual statements on their face can change their minds. And I can be best friends with someone I hate.

Clair on Food and Dating

Okay, so last night I was home minding my own business on my couch when out of nowhere, my buzzer rings, and drunk Clair is suddenly at my door. It was 11 pm, you guys. I was tired. I did not feel like talking, I wanted to go to bed. But, as you know by now, Clair is my best friend (and mortal enemy, but don’t tell her I said that) and so I obvi had to listen to her recap her date even though she ambushed me late night.

A note about Clair: she never shuts the shit up about food. I’ve had conversations with her about it before where I’m like, “Yes, people generally do like food, Clair, but you can’t monopolize 95% of conversation by only talking about this one thing. It’s not healthy! Mix it up a little bit, girl! Getta clue, gal.” And then she always gets mad at me, and is just like, “Blair, you never understand. You’re a very impatient person and you also just don’t understand sensual people like me who have a deep appreciation for life’s earthly pleasures.” And then I’m all, “Whatever, Clair, go choke on a hot dog” (just kidding, I didn’t say that last one but I darn well wanted to you guys).

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Anyways, this was our conversation:

Clair: “I dunno, Blair, I just feel like these guys just don’t really get me sometimes. I’m feeling discouraged.”

Me (Blair): “What happened?”

Clair: “So, we were at this fly ass Mexican restaurant, and all the sudden he starts hitting me with these interview style like questions and you know I don’t do well with those, I freeze up every time. It’s like “chill bro, it’s the first date bitch!’… I think I’m for sure done with Chads by the way.”

Me: “What did he ask you?”

Clair: “He asked me what ‘I truly wanted out of life’ and then I thought about it for a second and I was like, I’m just gonna shoot from the hip on this one and tell him the first thing that comes to mind, just like real talk you know.”

Me: “What was your answer?”

Clair: “I told the truth. It’s always best to speak your truth, Blair. So I said- ‘After thinking about it, I think all I truly want out of life is to be very fat without anyone noticing. I wanna eat without repercussion in society. I wanna eat like an underweight high school football player. I wanna eat like the mangey lost boys in Hook when Peter Pan shows up to feed them.”

Me: “Clair, oh my God.”

Clair: “And he didn’t even say anything. He didn’t even pretend to smile or empathize with my selfless offer of childlike vulnerability. I was uncomfortable after blurting that out so I accidentally started attacking my carne asada burrito and then he finally stopped being stunned and silent and then gave me this disgusted look as if I started eating a baby!”

Me: “Well, he sounds like a good listener at least?”

Clair: “YOU’RE NEVER ON MY SIDE, BLAIR! Okay, so after that point, everything just kept getting worse and worse and I was slamming margaritas and then I started rambling and I couldn’t stop. I really couldn’t, I just started talking at him. But who cares? I mean his name’s fucking Chad.”

So I was like: “I feel a deep emotional connection to food, ya know? Do you feel that, Chad? Like are you ever in the middle of eating and out of nowhere, BAM! you’re overcome with loss cuz you know it’s about to be over. You are seconds away from being robbed by the completion of the meal! Soon, you won’t be eating any more, Chad! The apex of pleasure for the next three hours is about to be over and there’s sadness in that, Chad.

And the guy is so dumb that he just very curtly says, “No, I don’t feel that way”, like a total asshole, but there was no stopping me. I really couldn’t stop talking.

So I was all: Do you ever feel that some invisible force is presenting you with a food filled obstacle course? Like when you need to get food for your 6-hour JetBlue flight and so you go and buy your burrito ahead but then you have 40 minutes until you board, and you’re just like, “oh shit, I’m really in for it now’ cuz that melty Mexican prize is burning a hole in your lap and you damn well know you’re not tough enough to get through this unscathed. SO YOU EAT IT, but then it feels like you lost the state championship?

And Chad says, “But that doesn’t make any sense, it’s totally illogical, what would you eat on the plane then? If you have discipline on the outset then you won’t have to suffer later on.” Blair, I hated him so much in that moment. The universe could not have picked a more opposite or deplorable person to have me interface with. And then he dropped the real bomb. Total bullshit machisimo. I almost hit him but then I was like I don’t need any assault charges right now.

He said: It’s so dumb when girls say that food is better than sex. Nobody can actually believe that.

So I was all: Umm, yes they can, Chad. Everyone knows that food is better than sex. AND the best thing about it is that when you finish eating nothing sprays you in the face.

And then asshole Chad suddenly threw cash down on the table, put his hands in the air, and just said, “I’m sorry, but I think I’m done here” and then walked out of the restaurant.

Me: “WHAT THE HELL, CLAIR! ARE YOU INSANE! YOU’RE INSANE. I’M NOT TRYING TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS BUT HONESTLY SOMETIMES YOU’RE AN EXTREMELY DIFFICULT PERSON TO BE FRIENDS WITH. I WOULD KILL MYSELF IF I HAD TO DATE YOU.”

The Bachelorette With Clair’s Mom

I was talking to Clair yesterday and then naturally The Bachelorette came up because we’re two young girls and we don’t have our heads in the clouds like dumb idiots. Anyways, weirdo Clair then proceeded to tell me all about her conversation with her mom. I didn’t even ask her about it you guys. And she just relayed the entire thing to me anyways, against my will! Some people have zero self awareness, I swear.

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Clair’s Text Conversation with her Mom (Bolly) re: The Bachelorette

Clair: “Yo, you watchin’ the Bachelor?”

Clair: “Oops I mean the Bachelorette”

Mom: “Nah not on yet. I will prob turn on for some. Is it one hr?” (Editor’s note: Clair’s mom, Bolly, lives in California)

Clair: “No it’s like 7 hours long”

Clair: “I’m not really liking this season”

Clair: “Not like I like any of the seasons I’m just a prisoner at this point”

Clair: “But my favorite guy on the show is sooooo cute and cool and funny and the best guy out of all of ’em and apparently he died after filming so they did this memorial montage on the first episode and now I’m falling in love with this guy who I know is dead.”

Mom: “Ugg. Oh gosh now I remember that story. Terrible. How did he bite dust again?”

Clair: “Hang gliding I think”

Mom: “Yes. Hang gliding very dangerous. That woman must have been devastated.”

Clair: “I’m devastated”

Mom: “Is ex pro baseball player nice?”

Clair: “I’m not attracted to baseball players”

Clair: “They’re all meatbally and too shaved and tan and love going to clubs and drinking vodka redbull”

Mom: “I didn’t ask if you were attracted to them. I was just asking if the guy was nice on the show.”

Clair: “Oops you are right, my bad”

Clair: “Do you like Andi? She’s got a dope ass rig tho.”

Mom: “I think so. Only watched a little bit. Show is boring, I have things to do.”

Clair is annoying, right. Can you believe she made me sit through that an entire thing, I srsly thought I was gonna die. I truly don’t even know why I’m friends with her. Also, someone plz tell her to brush her hair (srsly).