What To Do After a Breakup

So, you severed that shit. You’re mom’s calling to see if you’re okay and you’re having bogus “coffee dates” with people you haven’t talked to in a year. Here’s what to do after a breakup.

1. In any period of tumult, it is essential that one maintain perspective. Mentally tattoo this in your brain: At-least-you’re-not-Lindsay-Lohan. Suddenly the world erupts with all sorts of shit to be grateful for and the air smells of fragrant opiate wildflowers.

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2. Have some self respectThe Carrie Diaries is NOT on the Peter’s Hate Watch approved list. Watching Carrie’s early scarring is not going to buoy you to the untouchable state that you’re on your way to now. Besides, do you think that little pre-pubescent’s nose has anywhere near the character of the original gangster, SJP’s? No, it doesn’t, get out AnnaSophia.

3. Eat sushi. Why? Because it’s full of weird nutrients and mineral properties that give you freaky good skin and heart health or whatever. And if you don’t order the crunchy roll or baked scallops then you’re going to be riding the low cal train to skinny jeans nirvana. Every breakup should be followed by a state of irreproachable ketosis. Ummmm why do you think Kim K. exclusively orders the tuna sashimi in every one of her post breakup sushi restaurant scenes with Jonathan Cheban?

4. Wear black. Not because you’re mourning, but because you are suddenly a ferocious force of a tycoon who has been re-released into the wild in order to do with this planet what you will. Black is simple, keeps shit looking tight, and has just the right amount of F you.

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5. Banish all Top 40 music from your music playing sources. You don’t need to listen to the 20 out of 40 songs that you and your ex-dude designated as “your songs”. This is an essential part of taking over the world and becoming like super alternative and cultured from subsequent exploration of new music. Also, Frank Ocean and Colbie Caillet are banned for obvious reasons.

6. Freak your friends out by showing creepy, unbridled emotion. Nobody knows what to do during this seriously awk time frame. They are not used to you being a blubbering guppy and haven’t a clue how to navigate the situation. You have no idea what to do either, the nakedness, the bewildering absence of your always pervasive verbal domination. You get like a few weeks or something and then its time to grab your balls and get awesome again. You’re not going to meet your Bill Hader by being a hum drum bummer, COME ON.

7. Move your ass. You should go to the gym and produce the natural chemicals that all of the new world’s drug culture is artificially producing for ravers. If you don’t feel like sweating, go for long walks and listen to podcasts on your iPhone so you get like even smarter and more interesting.

We’d like to thank Lindsay Lohan for the inspiration and also wish to send her a “Hey, keep your head up, good game out there” ass slap.