The 4th

It’s the 2nd of July, which only means one thing – we’re just a hiccup away from our good country’s independence holiday. A day in which we mongoloids celebrate raucously with bizarre pyrotechnic paraphernalia, oddly colored foods, and little clothing.

But actually, July 2nd is the day in which the Thirteen Colonies were declared independent from Great Britain by Richard Henry Lee and the Second Continental Congress, so word up Tuesday, it’s your time to shine like the ugly girl that finally got her braces off and found a pushup bra.

John Adams wrote this to his wife, Abigail, on July 2, 1776:

The second day of July, 1776, will be the most memorable epoch in the history of America. I am apt to believe that it will be celebrated by succeeding generations as the great anniversary festival. It ought to be commemorated as the day of deliverance, by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations, from one end of this continent to the other, from this time forward forever more.

So Big John was off by a few days, relax, nobody ever called him a psychic you unruly hounds. All I’m saying is we should focus on his most important nugget of wisdom and keep up the illuminations as instructed.


What are you guys going to do for the 4th? I’m headed to the Jersey Shore for the first time ever. I feel it’s only fitting that I get a spray tan nine shades too dark and some barbed wire bicep tattoos in order to fully integrate with the native culture. I will also be strictly drinking Jagermeister or as I like to say – “bombs”.


This will be my outfit in order to communicate to the NSA that I am not a threat.

I am a patriot and I have a god given right to wear unflattering one pieces that say – I bleed stars and stripes and love eating hotdogs at baseball stadiums.