So it’s cold and you got the flu. Gross. It’s single digits out and you’re helpless like a newborn babe. Oh no, oh no. WRONG. Here’s the silver linings playbook. Glass half full, bitches.
-Good. Remember when you were throwing back all of those nog and brandy’s over Christmas break with reckless abandon? Now you won’t have to even try to shed that holiday fat suit. A diet of soup and orange cuties are unzipping that thing right off for you. Devoid of effort.
-Good. Now you can watch the entirety of Freaks and Geaks without being INTERRUPTED BY ANY INTRUDERS. Outsiders should be fearful enough of your contagions to stay away from your cave of sickness and leave you to young Jason Segel in peace.
-Good. Now you don’t have to shave your legs. Yes, you need those legs covered up in fleece, working to make your bod chill the F out on the body aches and fever. Nobody’s coming near those legs. Grow that hair out so far that people allergic to human hair will sneeze until they die.
-Good. Now you can abuse Seamless without feeling bad about it. Just a magic button, and poof! soup is at your door. Sorry that it’s 0 degrees with wind chill out there, delivery man. Thanks for the grub, though!
-Good. Now you can wear your Uggs without the tidal wave of shame and guilt that you usually feel when you even think about wearing them. Your feet need those ghastly contraptions for purely pragmatic reasons. Wear them as if the Mayans were right and enjoy a clear conscience.
XXL tragedies from College
-Good. Now you can wear those giant fleece sweatpants that you got from the athletics department in college. Nobody can see you, they won’t know. They won’t see you looking like King Kong in your bed. Feel free, be free, this your time for the XXL fleece. Torn up from the floor up.
May your glass be full and your electrolytes plentiful.
What do you like to do when you get ambushed by the flu and a blizzard?