Hey, you. Yeah, you. Listen up.
Valentine’s Day is cool. So don’t go around saying dumb shit like “Happy Single Awareness Day” or any other stupid adages. There’s love everywhere, swirling around you and rubbing up against your super moisturized winter skin. It’s a festive day and nobody likes a buzzkill bummer whiner weiner. Your mom loves you, why else would she text you all the time? Your dad loves you, why else would would he send you all those chain emails. Your girlfriends laugh at your jokes and still like you when you’re hungry and cranky. Your guy friends haven’t lost respect for your keg stand metrics. And those lecherous construction guys on Houston really love you every morning and night on your way to and from the subway entrance…
So please do not despair and/or hate on such a day of pure, unobstructable beauty. With that, we humbly offer you the following suggestions for the big V day.
Should Nots (Missed Layups/Dropped Passes/Butterfingers):
The following Don’t list will be in red typing as to signal “don’t!!” to your brain.
-Brand New- De Ja Entendu. The whole album (along with dark rooms and consuming entire pizzas) is irrefutably off-limits. V-day contraband. No way, don’t do it.
-Before Sunrise, Before Sunset– Generally no Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy as an across the board rule for today.
-The Notebook- You tell me when I’m being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you’re a pain in the ass, which you are 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a two second recovery rate and then you’re on to doing the next pain in the ass thing. So it’s not going to be easy, it’s going to be really hard. We’re going to have to work at this everyday, but I want to do that. Because I want you, all of you. Forever, you and me, everyday. Yeah exactly, V-day suicide. Who wants a shot?
-Love Actually- You’re not going to marry someone you’ve never had a conversation with anyway.
-When Harry Met Sally- But you should definitely have some pie still. At a diner if you want. Maybe with Billy Crystal.
-Adele– God, no, definitely no Adele today.
-Colbie Caillet- Save it for a summer day with beergaritas.
-Any and all Frank Ocean- No way, man. Seeing him win at the Grammy’s was hard enough. Like -Yeah! suck it, Chris Brown. But oh no! The emotions that accompany our R & B darling! He’s a picture of sweetness and romance.
–Musiq Soulchild, Talking Heads, Solange, Bon Iver- Again, these are maj prohibited. House music will suit you better today. NO WORDS, JUST BEATS.
-New weird slow Rihanna ballads that express her torturedness and thus are way too evocative for the holiday
-Talking to weird people and/or V-day predators. Be on guard, but also sweet, okay? It’s a combination that you must figure out in order to navigate the rest of your time here on earth, like the philosopher’s stone or something.
Shoulds (Slam Dunk!):
-Wear pink and red. It’s friendly as shit. Unless, you have something black and dead sexy to wear. But it can’t be like curmudgeonly black.
-Go to Soul Cycle. We’re trying it this morning so that we can fathom why people won’t shut up about it. Endorphins, bitchesssss.
-If you have time today, maybe during your commute to work, or if you can listen to headphones at the office – check out this week’s This American Life podcast with Ira Glass. It’s a Valentine’s Day ep, but surprisingly not lovey dovey.
-Eat the Crumbs and Baked by Melissa cupcakes at the office. It’s Valentine’s Day, carbs and processed sugars should abound.
-ICONA POP, SHM, ELLIE
-Smile and hug everyone. Pat their backs and rub people’s shoulders. Hold the elevator open. High five people. Let your handshakes linger…
-Hit the bar with your girlfriends and have some dranks. See below:
Oopsies, keep it together girls.
Wishing you a very special day for you and yours. Follow the lists. Look around and see dat da world be dope as shit.
Lastly, don’t forget that tomorrow is Friday and all that drugstore shit will be on sale and meaningless. Like this too shall pass, ya know?