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What To Do After a Breakup

So, you severed that shit. You’re mom’s calling to see if you’re okay and you’re having bogus “coffee dates” with people you haven’t talked to in a year. Here’s what to do after a breakup.

1. In any period of tumult, it is essential that one maintain perspective. Mentally tattoo this in your brain: At-least-you’re-not-Lindsay-Lohan. Suddenly the world erupts with all sorts of shit to be grateful for and the air smells of fragrant opiate wildflowers.


2. Have some self respectThe Carrie Diaries is NOT on the Peter’s Hate Watch approved list. Watching Carrie’s early scarring is not going to buoy you to the untouchable state that you’re on your way to now. Besides, do you think that little pre-pubescent’s nose has anywhere near the character of the original gangster, SJP’s? No, it doesn’t, get out AnnaSophia.

3. Eat sushi. Why? Because it’s full of weird nutrients and mineral properties that give you freaky good skin and heart health or whatever. And if you don’t order the crunchy roll or baked scallops then you’re going to be riding the low cal train to skinny jeans nirvana. Every breakup should be followed by a state of irreproachable ketosis. Ummmm why do you think Kim K. exclusively orders the tuna sashimi in every one of her post breakup sushi restaurant scenes with Jonathan Cheban?

4. Wear black. Not because you’re mourning, but because you are suddenly a ferocious force of a tycoon who has been re-released into the wild in order to do with this planet what you will. Black is simple, keeps shit looking tight, and has just the right amount of F you.


5. Banish all Top 40 music from your music playing sources. You don’t need to listen to the 20 out of 40 songs that you and your ex-dude designated as “your songs”. This is an essential part of taking over the world and becoming like super alternative and cultured from subsequent exploration of new music. Also, Frank Ocean and Colbie Caillet are banned for obvious reasons.

6. Freak your friends out by showing creepy, unbridled emotion. Nobody knows what to do during this seriously awk time frame. They are not used to you being a blubbering guppy and haven’t a clue how to navigate the situation. You have no idea what to do either, the nakedness, the bewildering absence of your always pervasive verbal domination. You get like a few weeks or something and then its time to grab your balls and get awesome again. You’re not going to meet your Bill Hader by being a hum drum bummer, COME ON.

7. Move your ass. You should go to the gym and produce the natural chemicals that all of the new world’s drug culture is artificially producing for ravers. If you don’t feel like sweating, go for long walks and listen to podcasts on your iPhone so you get like even smarter and more interesting.

We’d like to thank Lindsay Lohan for the inspiration and also wish to send her a “Hey, keep your head up, good game out there” ass slap.

Suzanne Somers Gets Kooky

Last week, Suzanne Somers came out and said something to the effect of “In regards to the Newtown shootings, everyone’s pointing to guns and I’m like what’s their diet like?!”.

Okay, Suzanne, we get it, you think diet soda is bad. It is, you know, unsavory I guess. Pelegrino would be much more refined. But girlfriend’s gotta screw loose if she thinks Diet Dr. Pepper has the same power as an assault weapon. Can you imagine if you were her kid? Say goodbye to Gushers and birthday cake. Jesus, somebody keep her away from the drive-through window.

The Queen of Versailles


I first heard about The Queen of Versailles on Slate‘s Culture Gabfest this past week when the show’s film critic, Dana Stevens, referred to it as the best documentary of the year. So, obviously I called my mom to ask her what she changed the Netflix password to this week, and then headed to my cave to see it for myself.

The film chronicles Jackie and David Siegel, owners of Westgate Resorts, as they set out to build the largest and most costly house in America, and the subsequent crisis that ensues as the US economy collapses.

We first meet Jackie and David while they are on top of the world. They’re all smiles and braggadocious about their overflowing wealth. Jackie is a 43-year-old, former model (calendar or beer maybe?) who loves her husband, eight children, 693 pets, and $17,000 crocodile shoes. Her very exposed bolt-ons are shocking and distracting as we try to get to know her – we’re talking Heidi Montag jumblies post plastic surgery meltdown, big boulders that look painful and hard like skin forcibly stretched over ceramic bowls. Despite this, Jackie actually seems very sweet, if not just living in another universe, i.e.: bragging about her $1 million dollar a year shopping stipend. Even after they start to lose everything, she is remarkably calm and dazed and happy-go-lucky, like in that pain-killers type of way. Still, she insists that she loves her family and will be fine, rich or poor. By the end, I kind of thought she was a brave and tragic character (I’m sorry, but it’s confusing! You want to hate her for being such a dum dum with her money and hubris, but then you see that she is really just this sweet little naiveté!).


Her husband, David, is another story. He boasts that he’s on his third wife and that he “loves beautiful women and the Miss America Pageant”. Ew, he’s like 75. Asked why he is building a 90,000 square foot replica of Versailles in Florida, he simply responds with “because I can.” All cocky and shit. When he starts to lose everything, and the interviewer asks him, “Do you find comfort in your marriage?”, he looks the camera in the eye and says, “No, it’s like having a 9th child.” Dude is hard to like.

Some of the quirks of the Siegel family are quite shocking. THEY STUFF THEIR DEAD DOGS AND PUT THEM ON DISPLAY IN THE HOUSE. Also, Jackie would buy 8 sets of one board game for her kids. Like she bought a Yahtzee and Monopoly set for each kid at Christmas, does she know that you can’t play those games by yourself? Not to mention the creepy baroque, French decor everywhere, totes made me claustrophobic through my laptop screen. You know some weird shit goes down in the Siegel house.


On the whole, Lauren Greenfield’s documentary is quite good. The Economist described the film’s greatest achievement as its ability to inspire both compassion and Schadenfreude (pleasure derived from the misfortune of others) in its viewers. It is also described as one of the most powerful film depictions of the Great Recession, blah blah blah. Anyways, there’s a lot going on in this film and I think you’ll like it.

Hit or Quit it Verdict: Hit it.