An Update on Clair

There is a girl that walks these streets with unruly hair and a shrill, shrill voice.

Her name is Clair and she is a 27-year-old woman who enjoys cyber bullying her friends on the internet and any tomato based recipe. At 25, she decided to quit being a commercial real estate broker because her soul was dying and she got sick of trying to remember which colleges all her clients’ kids were applying to. Then, she met a guy and fell in love and had her heart shattered into a billion pieces with such velocity that the only historically comparable event in history is most definitely the “Big Bang”. That guy was a comedian. She never wanted to be a comedian, she just wanted to write jokes behind the scenes but not be in front of people ever. But after she had her heart ripped out of her chest, she randomly woke up one day and thought, “hmm, I will do this now”. So she does this at night time now and often eats pizza on her way home. If the pizza place she chooses to frequent does not have ranch dressing for some reason, she immediately morphs into a rage-filled animal and usually physically assaults whichever employee is unlucky enough to deliver her the bad news.

indexWhen Clair was still masquerading as a commercial real estate broker, rotting each day under the florescent lights, she used to daydream about what she would do if she didn’t have to live each day in her grey jail cell cubicle. She decided she would be a fiction writer. This was before she had done much fiction writing and knew that it requires insane discipline, self structure, and an ability to tolerate hours of solitary confinement without dicking your day away on the internet. But naive as she was, she decided to apply to a bunch of grad schools for her MFA, fully confident that she would never be admitted to any of them. Then, one day, she got a call that she had gotten into The New School in New York City. This was her chance to escape Irvine, California! She was so in shock that she started crying and impulsively left some people voice mails mid-sob. These people continue to remind her that they have saved these embarrassing voice mails for the future- so what I am saying is-  Clair really, really understands how Donald Sterling feels.

Anyway, Clair moved to New York and went to school for two years where she wrote a collection of stories about weird, racy shit that is so nutso she can never show it to her family. Then, the time came where she finally finished her goddamn thesis, and that’s why she now has time to return to this dumb fucking blog!!!! Clair would probably say that I shouldn’t curse on here in case her mom or dad or a conservative future employer read it, but she didn’t come this far to be a pussy okay.

So, that’s the update on Clair. She graduates on Thursday and is wondering what the hell she is supposed to do now. Check back if you want, she’ll be writing on here about random shit in case you’re so bored that you can’t find anything else on the fucking planet to do. K thx bye.