Clair’s Back- Surprise, She Stole An Umbrella and Had Another Breakup

Oh man, it’s been a long ass time since I told you guys about Clair. If you forgot who she is, you can scroll to the bottom of this page and be sadly reminded. I haven’t spent that much time with Clair as she says she’s been “super busy doing her comedy”. Whatever that means, bitch doesn’t even get paid.

Clair won’t stop singing this goddamn song and it’s like, umm you need to wake up and grow up.

Clair to me: How have you been? Wait, never mind, so you know how I have this weird thing about stealing?

Blair: Yes, your one nutso moral absolute.

C: Okay well, I accidentally stole someone’s umbrella from the bar the other night after I had 97 beers and I think it’s negatively impacted my destiny in the very way I’ve always feared thievery would.

B (face buried deeply in hands): You’re out of your mind.

C: Why do you always say that to me? Your negative tone makes me think you haven’t been watching the transcendental meditation videos I sent you.

B: CLAIR! You yell at people in the street, you cyber bully innocent men almost constantly, and you spend hours talking about your “haters”- but somehow, you think taking an abandoned umbrella is the single defining provocation for your batty existence?

C: Look, Blair, sorry you don’t understand what it’s like to be a person of notoriety. The haters are real and that umbrella ruined my life.

B: Sometimes you’re really hard to be friends with.

C: The umbrella ruined my life because Jake-Ryan and I broke up.

B: Who is that?

C: OMG do you even listen ever?

B: Better question why do you always date douchey LA dudes with hyphenated names?

C: We were gonna get married.

B: You weren’t gonna get married. He still sleeps at his friend’s houses 4 times a week cuz he’s too stoned to drive home and nobody even knew you were dating.

C: Do you think I could return the umbrella and reverse divine decree?

B: Please leave my home.