Clair Won’t Shut Up About Sober January

Well, we’re in 2015 now and you know what that means- yeah, Clair won’t STFU about all her “goals” and “resolutions”. Now she is my best friend and I honestly did miss her for a few days there- but, it’s never very long before I’m reminded that the woman gets on my nerves more than anyone or anything in all the miles of the Milky Way and probably other galaxies too.

I was at my desk working on a new piece yesterday morning when I heard a panicked knock at my door. I answered to a psychotic Clair.

Clair: How does my skin look? Doesn’t it look great? I haven’t drank in 14 days!

Then she shoved her iPhone in my face in order to show me some insane iPhone App.



Blair: Oh my god, how many people have you shown that to in the past week? It’s gotta be thousands.

Clair: Okay, well sorry I’m taking important steps and proud of my accomplishments. It’s good to be your own cheerleader. You know that God (if he’s not not real) explicitly says in the Bible that he wants us to be happy.

Blair: Are you high?

Clair: No, but I think sobriety is affecting my dream life.

Blair: Please never earnestly say “my dream life” around me again.

Clair: I had this awful nightmare! I woke up this morning in complete and abject terror. In my dream, I was all alone at a pool in some sort of Palm Springs type of place. It was like a local pool though where you would run into everyone you know. I was there reading a book in the shallow end (in the shade with a huge embarrassing hat on) and then in walks my ex-boyfriend with about ten friends. He was strutting all hard – wearing really short trunks cuz you know how he does kettle bells and loves to show off his body. I’m the one that got him to stop shaving his chest hair! And then he just comes right up to me and they all circle me like sharks or jocks in a John Hughes movie – and he says, “Yeah, so I’m blowing Ethan now.” And I was like, “What” and then he goes,”Yep, like he doesn’t reciprocate or anything, I just go down on him” as if the clarification made him even more rock n roll. Ethan is a guy we both know, by the way. BUT OH MY GOD HE SAID IT IN SUCH A BRAGGY COOL GUY WAY. All his friends were laughing like he was SO rad and edgy but they were all straight males so it was very confusing. And obviously I would support him if he was gay okay but he was like bullying me with his blow job bragging and it really and truly knocked the wind out of me.

Blair: You know those moments in life when you genuinely don’t know what to say back to someone?

Blair: …Wait, wait, I’m sorry. What I mean to say is I’m so sorry that happened. That sounds heart wrenching. But it least it was just a dream.

Clair: It felt so real though! It still feels real. What if I’m tapping into some supernatural energy now that I am not polluting my body with chemicals in mass?

Blair: Clair. His favorite actor is Joe Manganiello.

Clair: Shit I gotta go! I’m late for my reiki appointment. Gonna try and get this shame from the Palm Springs pool off me. I hope you never suffer the painful saga I have been through.

Blair: ...Thank you.