I hope you guys had a really enchanting Christmas or whatever other holiday you were socialized into thinking you should celebrate. I have been enjoying the quiche and fudge and lox with vengeance. Boy, I’ll tell you somebody’s gonna have to dangle a carrot in front of mama’s face to get her on the treadmill, am I right? ha ha ha. Just trying 2 keep this fun you guys. Anyways, as usual, I heard from Clair. She brought me raw meat that her brothers shot on their hunting trip that same day. That was her Christmas gift to me. She wrapped it in brown grocery store bag paper and raffia. Blood soaked through the paper and onto the card. I gave her fancy French soap and a candle. God, why is she my cross to bear? Somebody send her to cotillion please, am I right? ha ha ha.
Clair: How was your Christmas? Wait, never mind, boring. I just read the book, Wild, by Cheryl Strayed. Have you heard of it? It’s about a woman who goes on a really long hike and stares down an entire galaxy of incredible and deeply inspiring tribulations.
Blair: Do you ever ask a question with the actual intention of listening to the recipient’s answer or should we just accept for the rest of time that all of them are rhetorical?
Clair: My brothers shot that meat today. It’s super fresh if you want to make carpaccio.
Blair: Has it been refrigerated at all? I don’t think it’s supposed to be left out.
Clair: This is the problem with people today. Everyone is governed by fear.
Blair: Please, dear Maverick, show us the way back to bravery.
Clair: I am in the process of planning an expedition. I think it will be a great way to cleanse myself from the digital age. Physical and emotional hardship breeds creativity and inner growth. I will count you in. We need to start thinking about gear and camping technique.
Blair: Clair, I swear to god. You can’t even take a shower without your iPhone. What about comedy? And work? How are you going to support yourself? Why do you insist on refusing adulthood so spectacularly?
Clair: I blessed your meat sacrifice with positive energy and supernatural spirits that I am hoping will aid in dispelling the innate negativity that seems to plague you. I hate to watch you suffer from it. I’m going to gently remind you again…please watch the transcendental meditations I sent you.
Blair: You are truly insane. Not only that, you are the least zen person I know. You pick fights with vegans and 14-year-old skateboarders and old men at the bodega! You head butted that guy at In N Out for taking too long in line! Never ask me about the meditation videos again, I will die without watching them. I refuse to follow any spiritual regimen that you subscribe to.
Clair: Anyway, I think you will love Cheryl Strayed’s book. I will leave it here for you. I am thinking I will plan the exact same route she took for our trip. Except for the bypassing, I don’t think we will encounter the same snowfall that she did in 1999.
Blair: Her name can’t really be Cheryl Strayed.
Clair: IT’S FUCKING CHERYL STRAYED AND YOU NEED TO HONOR HER TRUTH.
Blair: Oh my god.
Clair: I’m leaving. Enjoy your meat.